So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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