I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
