I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
