i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
