And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
