now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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