you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The air was thick with penises
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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