When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize
