after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
