life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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