foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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