i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
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