Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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