You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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