I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize