the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
