and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
