broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
