It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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