hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
