I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
