Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
