Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
