I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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