Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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