it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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