On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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