i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
