There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
