Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
