you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Randomize
