I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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