dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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