Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
