theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
