you traded sex for a burrito?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
