I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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