so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
