i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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