Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
