I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
