I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
