planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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