Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
