dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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