i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
