i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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