There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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