My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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