If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
