Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
