He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
