I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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