haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
