she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
