Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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