a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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