i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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