He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
