some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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