My friends, they love my intelligence
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
