she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
