No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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