Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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