mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
