i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I pour the whiskey from now on
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
