last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
