She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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